“Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it.”
Wow. Take a moment to really take this quote by Stephi Wagner... Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it. It takes unbelievable bravery to be the person ready to face pain that has been handed down for generations - and at the same time, it doesn’t feel fair…
Read MoreThe past couple of weeks have been intense. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford went head to head with her abuser Brett Kavanaugh in front of a large committee. She was forced to recount painful details of the assault she survived, and even educate others on the mechanics of the brain (well, that was pretty badass...). #ibelieveher became the cry of supports and other sexual assault victims who have hoped to shift the treatment of survivors of sexual assault. Dr. Ford’s testimony is cast in front of a larger backdrop of the #metoo movement. Many people are sharing their own stories of sexual assault and perpetrators are being called out. Needless to say, it has been a very triggering time for people who have survived sexual assault, harassment, or any kind of sexual violence.
Read MoreTake a moment to think about this.
I am curious to know what you answered. Strength? Toughness? Provider? Protector? What are some other words you thought of? Did you think of any of these words: Kindness? Sensitivity? Listener? Intelligence?... Well if you did think of some of those words, I am surprised.
hyper
prefix
1. above, over, or in excess
masculine
adjective
1. pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men
2. having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness.
Early in life we are taught what is masculine and what is feminine. And we are taught that these are two distinctly different realms. Boys don't cry, they grow up to be big and strong, they will find a wife to provide for, and they will be the father that protects and defends their families. Is this a story you've heard before? Me too.
This story line is not a bad thing. In fact, some of those qualities and identities are wonderful! And perhaps if you are religious you get to add other things to that list. Depending on your cultural background, you will probably also be able to add more qualities as well. The story can be good, the identity can be good, and the qualities can be good. Unfortunately though, this story leaves a lot of people out. Men who don't identify as heterosexual, men who are small in stature, men who naturally possess nurturing qualities, men with limited abilities to provide for their family, men who have been systematically oppressed, etc. My question is this:
If you're being honest with yourself, do you really feel like you get to choose what it means to be a man? If you think really hard, I bet you can remember an instance when you were called a "sissy" for being nice to someone else. Maybe you remember a similar instance in which you were shamed for helping someone, for loving your mother, for wanting to stay at home with the children, for being attracted to another man, for being an artist... Any of these strike a chord for you?
The reality is that the age old stories we hear about what it means to be a man limit men to a very small and singular identity. In my time as a counselor (and really just as a human) I have noticed hyper-masculinity limit men emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
In my counseling experience, I have seen many men from many different cultural backgrounds who have endured wild trauma. I mean fleeing war-torn areas, watching their parents die in the street, being shot at, enduring violent torture from police in their home country, and the list goes on. I think most people would agree that these events are horrific and warrant a serious emotional reaction. I watch as these men who have suffered immensely fight tears and explain that displaying emotion is a sign of weakness. I often wonder how isolating this must be.
Chris Hoff, Ph.D, LMFT shared that in his work he attempts to "flip the script that showing no emotion is strength, and...by helping men to measure themselves against the idea that emotional risk taking is courageous" (Source). This is a radical idea that goes against that typical storyline men are taught to follow.
Is the story that society writes for us enough for you? Is it enough for you to fit into a rather small box of expectations about who you are to be as a man? Are you suppressing qualities that you have because it doesn't fit the script?
While it might be easier to change the storyline for men emotionally, physical change can but much more challenging. "Big and strong" is the goal for many men. Toy stores are lined with super-hero gear, wrestling figurines, and other toys that represent masculinity as uber-macho-muscle-mongers. We praise young boys' strength as top priority.
This facet of masculinity excludes many people. Men born with various disabilities that limit their ability to become "big and strong" are automatically excluded from this physical storyline of masculinity. Men who are small in stature are excluded. Men who have no interest in pursuing physical strength are excluded. Feeling excluded out of an entire identity group that you are supposed to fit into is painful. For many of my male clients, this pain leads to social anxiety. Imagine walking into a room (let's say a gym, for now), and it seems that every single person looks different than you. And it's truly not the different-ness that makes you insecure, because being different in and of itself isn't good or bad. But the pain comes from the idea that all of the people in that room live up to manliness, and because you appear different, society does not value you as manly. Example: A man considered "scrawny" enters into a gym full of men who are larger, taller, and more muscular. The slender man surveys the room and decides this is not a box that I fit in and he leaves. The anxiety rushes in from this brief interaction. The decision is made: I don't belong at the gym, so I will not be going. I am not manly, I can never live up to that standard. Of course this is an example playing on a very stereotypical definition of physical masculinity, but the point is that feeling like you cannot fit into a set of rules for masculinity can breed anxiety, depression, and pain.
*I would like to note as well that this is not a problem for just men and masculinity. This is an experience that spans across race, gender, sexuality, ability, age, ethnicity, etc. Not feeling like you fit in a box that society deems valuable is a painful experience, and for some this happens much more often than for others due to systematic oppression.
It is no secret that many religions have historically placed men and women in specific roles, and completely excluded those who identify as anything other than cis or heterosexual.
These roles, particularly in Western culture, have dictated women to raise children and men to provide financially. But what happens when a man is incredibly gifted with the ability and desire to nurture children, or the woman has developed a sharp business acumen? Many times, men and women have to ignore their talents and desires in order to fit in these boxes created by religions and culture. For those who are generally spiritual, this occurs with basic scripts for masculinity that typically align with religion anyway (i.e. man as financial provider). When somebody feels compelled to ignore their natural and cultivated gifting, they can begin to feel incredibly depressed. Feeling forced to ignore something that is deeply important to you in order to be valued by society or culture is a painful experience. And that is why hyper-masculine ideas can certainly cause men to feel depressed, unfulfilled, and misunderstood.
Ultimately, the purpose of this post comes down to this question:
Or are you letting somebody else write your story? Does hyper-masculinity work for you? Or is it leading to anxiety, depression, fear, pain? Do you feel free to write your own story, or do you feel that you've been trying to live up to impossible standards of masculinity that society defines? If you're tired and lost on this topic, it might be time to start exploring what this means to you.
If you need support, please feel free to contact me.
Spiritual abuse can be understood as abuse done to another person's spirit. This can take many forms - It can mimic emotional abuse if you feel another is intentionally attempting to "break your spirit". It can be found in large religious organizations or in small cult gatherings. It can be seen in parent-child relationships, romantic relationships, siblings relationships, and friendships.
Spiritual abuse is fairly insidious and hard to recognize, so let me share some examples. I once sat in a religious service where I experienced doubt about what was being preached. I began to critically think about what was being taught: "Hmm, well I disagree with that. I think it's more like this. Actually, maybe I don't believe in that at all..." A few seconds into my thoughts, the speaker said, "And to those who have doubts about this truth, that is due to evilness in this world". Oh my word, he was speaking directly to me. Did he hear my thoughts?! Immediately I drowned out my own voice that was helping me think critically and thought, "Oh, no wonder I am doubting... it's because I am being manipulated by something evil". Now, in this situation I was not intentionally being abused by another person - but I did feel oppressed by this. Let me breakdown why this was problematic for me:
Looking back into my younger years, I see many ways in which I followed blindly. In fact, those four problems I listed were more like a way of life. I lost all of my personal agency, and my ability to critically and creatively think. I was shamed for my emotions and how I expressed them. I was inappropriately confronted about my clothing choices. I was once publicly shamed for being in a relationship (and by publicly I mean in front of 200+ people). In all, I was made to feel that if I did not fit into a certain role then I was not good enough.
But don't get me wrong - I made many friends, studied intensely, and tried my hardest to live a moral life. These are not bad things in and of themselves. I am proud of many of the choices that I had the power to make and I believe that I carried many wonderful bits of wisdom into my adult life. In fact, I think this is a good point to draw a line between what is spiritual abuse and what is spiritual health. (Spiritual health refers to your own choice to join a religious or spiritual affiliation, or engage in a relationship where both adhere to a certain spirituality, and when that is a positive and honoring experience).
Spiritual Abuse: Shames or shuns you for thinking differently.
Spiritual Health: Meets you with patience and acceptance for thinking differently.
Spiritual Abuse: Tells you that a part of your identity is less or more valuable than someone else (i.e. gender, ethnicity), and forces you into a certain role.
Spiritual Health: Accepts you for all parts of your identity and encourages your freedom to choose your role.
Spiritual Abuse: Uses exclusive language (we are good, they are bad)
Spiritual Health: Uses inclusive language (we all make mistakes, we accept everyone)
Spiritual Abuse: Denies failure or error that may have affected you and is unwilling to change (especially in leadership).
Spiritual Health: Admits failure or error that may have affected you and commits to change (especially in leadership).
Spiritual Abuse: Makes you feel voiceless to the extent that you are embarrassed or fearful to share your needs or opinions.
Spiritual Health: Empowers your voice even though you are embarrassed or fearful to share your needs or opinions.
Spiritual Abuse: Is okay with humiliating you to prove a point, to teach others, or to teach you a lesson.
Spiritual Health: Teaches lessons without humiliating others and seeks to protect others in the process of teaching.
Spiritual Abuse: Informs you that there are a few chosen people to interpret religious texts or messages (this looks more like vertical leadership and power at the top for the chosen few).
Spiritual Health: Informs you that all people play a role in interpreting religious texts or messages (this looks more like horizontal leadership and power dispersed among all).
I wanted to lay out some differences here to demonstrate that this is not a cynical review of religion and spirituality; that there are ways to be a part of a religious/spiritual experience without having to be forced to conform. With these examples, it is easy to see this play out in religious organizations and cults, right? But these differences are also true for interpersonal relationships as well.
Let me share another example. Years ago I was in a relationship in which my partner told me that I had to "submit" because that is what our religious text said. When I attempted to disagree, he would respond with, "Submit, submit, submit..." until I stopped speaking. Again, I had lost my voice in this situation. I was taught that I did not have equal power, that my voice was less valuable, and I was not encouraged to have differing opinions than "the truth".
For some, spiritual abuse can be much more severe - being forced to look or dress a certain way, being told what to say (or not say), be coerced into relationships with certain people, etc. Maybe it is being forced to attend a religious gathering that you prefer not to be a part of.
A good question to ask yourself is this: Am I powerless, and can I make my own decisions? If the answer is no, then it might be a good time to start digging deep for the ways in which you feel powerless. And let me tell you - this is a difficult journey. There are many ways to gain support, and here are some steps you can take if you recognize that spiritual abuse is a reality for you:
Religious groups and relationships are not inherently bad if you have the freedom to make decisions for yourself. It becomes more abusive and oppressive when you are stripped of your rights to be exactly who you want to be. Considering yourself religious or spiritual has several benefits according to emerging psychology studies. In fact, "many groups dealing with major life stressors such as natural disasters, illness, loss of loved ones, divorce and serious mental illness show that religion and spirituality are generally helpful to people in coping, especially people with the fewest resources facing the most uncontrollable of problems" (Source). The purpose of this post is not to bash on religious organizations or relationships that follow a set of religious instructions. The purpose of this post is to help you recognize spiritual abuse, and offer practical next steps to seek support.
If you are in the Seattle area and would like to discuss this with a counselor, please feel free to contact me by phone at 206.929.2738 or email at mackenzi@restorationcounselingseattle.com. To learn more information, please fill out the form here.
Sometimes problems move into our lives like obnoxious family members. They burst through the door, raid your fridge, and make themselves right at home on your couch. As you sit there and witness this happen, you might be wondering to yourself, "Why in the world did I even open the door?"
You drop subtle hints, "So... How long will you be staying with us?"; followed by an ambiguous answer indicating that it has no intention of leaving on it's own accord.
*sigh*
This is one way of thinking about the variety of problems that we interact with on a daily basis. Anxiety as an overbearing and needy mother-in-law, setting expectations for you that you cannot reach and spitting messages of inadequacy at you. Depression as that friend of yours who always wants to stay inside and dwell on "the good old days", one of those friends who sucks the energy out of you with their ideas about life. Stress as a demanding older sibling reminding you of all of the things you're obligated to do, all the while making you feel like you can never live up to their expectations. Maybe it's not the case that you experience with specific relatives or friends like this, but I'm sure if you're familiar with anxiety, depression, or stress you can at least picture this person in your mind.
The reality is that these intrusive guests are often unwelcome and difficult to get rid of. Often we feel powerless as we watch them sit on our couch and consume all of our food and energy. We think of things to say to it, "Have you looked for an apartment yet?", "Do you plan on leaving any time soon..." but we choke on the words. We don't want to offend them! After all, didn't anxiety remind you that it might not be such a good idea to get close to the edge of that cliff on the hike you went on recently? That was kind of a nice gesture.
So the question is, how do you gain enough power in this situation to tell these problems that they are no longer welcomed in your home? It takes courage to do this, and it is often not something you can do without support. This is how I hope to support those who come to therapy. I seek to be a witness to the process of gaining power over these problems and help you understand how they operate in your life.
Often we view problems as inherently ours. We've somehow created this problem-monster and it lives inside of us like a parasite. We cannot let it go because we are fused with it, and it has completely consumed us. We feel guilty to have let something so sinister take over our life. And now guilt has found a way to fuse to us too, and the spiral never ends. When we think of problems as "our own problems", we can lose the ability to confront them. When we assume our problems are our own fault, we lose the voice to tell them to leave us alone because after all, they are here because of us.
The truth is, you have more power than you think you do. You have more voice than you ever could have known. These problems don't come out of nowhere! We can track their path, and learn exactly where they came from. Maybe you feel that you are not a good enough friend or partner - is that because you really are not and it's something wrong with you? Or is it because you are having troubles fitting into society's understanding of what friend or partner is? This is the difference between a "problem within" and a "problem without".
The "problem within" continuously convinces us that we are the problem, it's in our DNA, and we must learn to manage this. If we cannot manage this, we are the failure.
The "problem without" is different. It is something we interact with, that we can learn to track where it came from, and understand what it is communicating to you. By separating you from your problem, you can find ways to gain power over it and discover your voice. Then the question boils down to this: Do you want to write your own story, or do you want the problem to write your story?
Seattle therapy services for adults and teens. Restoration Counseling is a non-judgmental and safe space to start feeling better.
